Weaning
by meetmeatthecoda
Summary: Part 2 of the "Waking" Series. Detailing Red's mental state in the aftermath of 5.8, featuring Dembe. Angsty Lizzington.


**A/N: Songs for this part were "Discoloration" and "Still Life" by Dawn Golden.**

Red hates weaning.

It doesn't work.

There have been many times in his life, with all the different substances he has ingested, indulged in, and experimented with, he has had to go through the process of weaning. He finds it infuriating to take in less and less of the only thing he wants, all the while being expected to feel better about himself.

But, if he is sure of one thing, it is that he would rather suffer through a lifetime of withdrawal if it meant he didn't have to be incrementally pried from Lizzie's side. He doesn't understand how everyone thinks that it can be better for him to be away from Lizzie when he feels as though he's suffocating when he's not with her, the air becoming too heavy for his lungs to hold. It doesn't matter that she can't talk to him or make him smile or ease his pain.

He just needs to be with her.

At first, he doesn't leave her side. He spends his time slumped in an uncomfortable folding chair at her bedside, forcing his eyes wide open, staring desperately at her face, willing her to wake.

Dembe, who had been gone for three days making arrangements, returns and finds him like this, in the same rumpled suit he left him in, completely unmoved, dark circles under his eyes, looking gaunt and paralyzed, clutching Lizzie's hand, trying in vain to keep it warm.

Dembe drops everything he's holding with a crash and hurries to Red's side but it still takes him several tries saying Red's name to get him to rip his eyes from Lizzie's face and look up.

Red refuses to leave, despite Dembe's urging to get some sleep, food, air, anything to get him out of the room.

"She needs me, Dembe, I can't just leave!" he protests, his voice weak from days of disuse, completely out of his mind with grief and lack of sleep.

He's not doing well.

Dembe finally persuades him to use the bathroom in Lizzie's room to clean himself up but only under Red's conditions that Dembe stays in Red's chair carefully watching Lizzie and that the bathroom door stays partially open, so Red will hear if Lizzie wakes.

Dembe keeps a much closer eye on him after that, to Red's great annoyance. He knows Dembe only means the best but Red rather wishes that he would just leave him alone to suffer at Lizzie's side.

That's all that he wants anyway.

But Dembe knows Red and his ways. He knows Red will not leave Lizzie until he is ready and he certainly will not accept anything to make the situation more bearable for himself. So, Dembe attempts to take matters into his own hands.

First, Dembe puts a slightly more comfortable folding chair by Lizzie's bed for Red to sit in. Red sits on the floor in retaliation for a whole day but quickly realizes that he can't see Lizzie's face properly from down there and that makes him horribly anxious so he sits in the chair only out of necessity, making sure Dembe knows it.

Dembe waits another week before switching the armchair with a cushioned recliner, telling Red that if he is going to insist on sleeping by Lizzie's bed, he might as well spare his back and sleep in a recliner.

Red stays up three nights in a row in defiance.

Once Red grudgingly gives in and is consistently sleeping about three hours a night, holding Lizzie's hand all the while, Dembe attempts to move a cot into her room but that pushes Red over the edge. He explodes, yelling at Dembe in a way that he hasn't had to since his teenage years, telling him that if he wants to sit by Lizzie's side for the rest of his life and rot in that fucking recliner then it is his choice and none of Dembe's business so he can kindly fuck off.

Dembe doesn't talk to him for four days after that.

Of course, Red starts to feel bad after four hours but he doesn't leave Lizzie's side, knowing that Dembe is still angry, and instead makes Lizzie a promise that he will apologize as soon Dembe will accept it.

(He stopped making promises to himself years ago. He never keeps them for anyone but Lizzie.)

He and Dembe make up by the next week, ("I understand, Raymond. It is Elizabeth."), and Red progresses to spending one hour outside of Lizzie's room every day, just in the next room with Dembe, playing chess or cards, with a handheld camera and a baby monitor close by to keep an eye and ear on Lizzie at all times.

He is making progress. And he hates every minute of it.

Soon, Dembe starts to suggest taking walks outside the house. Red knows he is starting small, trying to ease him into being away from Lizzie for longer periods of time, but to Red, it seems an insurmountable obstacle.

(How can he be expected to _leave the house_ when all he wants to do is climb onto her hospital bed, lie down, and hold her? Just hold her, that's all. He would never dream of doing anything else without Lizzie's express verbal permission and possibly several flashing, neon signs.

He's always thought Prince Philip a superbly presumptuous fool.)

It is several months before Red will even entertain the idea of leaving the house for any period of time, and despite Dembe's gentle and insistent encouragement, he completely blanches at the idea of leaving Lizzie alone.

"What if she wakes up while I'm gone, Dembe? The doctor said it could be any time. I have to be here when she wakes, you know that. She can't be alone."

"She would not be alone, Raymond, the nurse would be here with her."

"Helena is very nice, Dembe, but you know that's not the same. Lizzie doesn't know her, she would be terribly confused and frightened. No, I have to stay until she wakes up, Dembe, and that's that."

Red is aware somewhere in the back of his mind that the longer Lizzie goes without waking, the less likely it is that she will wake at all but he simply doesn't contemplate it. He has been operating under the assumption for months now that he could simply turn around at any time and Lizzie's beautiful blue eyes could finally be peering curiously back at him, brimming with questions, as they always are. He knows that he will not be able to function if he accepts defeat, not with her lying there in that room, looking completely normal, albeit fast asleep with a machine breathing for her. He has to hope.

There is no alternative for him.

Dembe eventually persuades Red to take a simple walk in the garden. He hasn't been outside and breathed fresh air for months ("I can't open the window in Lizzie's room, Dembe, she might get cold!") and it quickly becomes too much. It is a wonderful day, to be sure. Red is sure that if circumstances were different, he would have very much enjoyed it. But if circumstance were different, Red wouldn't have broken down at the simple sight of flowers blooming in the window box.

If circumstances were different, Lizzie wouldn't be in a coma.

"Dembe, Lizzie loves tulips. She should be here to see them."

He stays shut up in Lizzie's room for two days after that.

He gets better after Dembe brings a vase of blooming tulips into Lizzie's room and places them gently on her nightstand.

Red feels ashamed.

Dembe loves Lizzie too.

Red does better after that, comforted by the fact that he can bring little bits of the world back for her. That motivates him to make small trips outside each day, his only goal bringing her back things he thinks she would enjoy. Dembe is pleased, regardless of his motives, deciding that it's better than Red not going out at all.

Red still hates it.

Weaning is supposed to break dependence on a substance, make it so every thought doesn't revolve around it, every waking moment isn't dedicated to it.

It's not working for Red.

He is physically capable of leaving Lizzie's bedside for extended periods of time now but he does it because he knows he must, not because it makes him feel better. How can he feel better, good, or anything positive at all, when Lizzie has been sleeping for five months, losing precious time with every second her eyes are closed, and he's here, watching her, knowing it is all his fault? How can the guilt not eat him alive whether he's in the same room or in a different country? How can he not miss her every second of every day, would gladly suffer a million accusatory looks and hateful words from her if it meant she would _just_ _open her eyes_?

Weaning is supposed to help him let go.

It doesn't work.


End file.
